


but i don’t miss how we were before

by angrylizardjacket (ephemeralstar)



Series: this must be just like living in paradise [3]
Category: The Dirt (2019)
Genre: Angst, Arguments, Big angst, Declarations Of Love, Emotions, F/M, Non-Canonical, Oral Fixation, Past polyamorous relationship, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, but the breakup wasn't negative, maybe idk, probs v vanilla, soft smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2020-03-09 05:08:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18910180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ephemeralstar/pseuds/angrylizardjacket
Summary: Lola's tired of Nikki thinking he can get away with anything- which he can, but she's also just getting mad at this as an excuse to ignore her real problems. Until she can't. Until she won't.





	but i don’t miss how we were before

Since they’d decided to officially end whatever it was between them, Lola’s... been at a loss. She loves her boys, of course, is happy for them all finding their own loves, their own partners. She’d knew it wasn’t meant to last, quietly she blamed herself - nothing with her ever seemed to last - but she wouldn’t say that out loud. Outwardly she was happy.

If only Nikki could be less of a dick, less of...  _himself_. 

Lola sees Roxy, Tommy’s fiance, coming out of Nikki’s dressing room and it hurts her heart. It hurts because it’s going to hurt Tommy, because it’s going to hurt Tommy and Nikki’s friendship, because-

“Because you get everything!” She actually shouts, traitorous tears pricking her eyes. There’s a silence that follows as Nikki frowns, blinking in confusion, the start of a scowl creasing his brow, “because you get to fuck Tommy’s fiance and you know she’ll go back to him and keep your little secret, and you just take for granted the fact that I’ll be here at your beck-and-fucking-call to be your cockwarmer when you’re done being an asshole to your friends; I’m sick of being a goddamn backup.”

She’d tried confronting him before the gig, in the same dressing room where he’d fucked Roxy before Tommy’s parents had showed up. The words come out of her like she’s not sure where they came from, like she’s been bottling up resentments she couldn’t air before and they all came crashing to the surface. Nikki, to no-one’s surprise, does not take it well.

“Then go,” Nikki snaps, and Lola stands straight up, hand on her chest with surprise, “if you fucking hate me so much just  _go_ , I’ll even pay for the flight, and then you can go back to fucking everything in LA; you’re hot, a bitch, and you fucked Motley Crue, you’ll be everyone’s first choice,  _you’re welcome_.” 

“So just like everyone else, I mean nothing to you.” It was as if she’d disconnected, eyes glazed over, lips pressed into a thin line; she wasn’t looking at him, not really, she was looking through him. However, her words actually shocked him.

“What does that mean?”

“It means,” voice strangely calm, she crossed her hands over her chest, cocking her hip; despite how confident the stance usually came across, the way her shoulders sagged and her gaze avoided his, well he’d never really seen her like this before, “that after everything we’ve done, I’m just like every other girl you’ve fucked; I’m just entertainment, right?” She snarled, her cool exterior betrayed by her voice, “Just a one trick pony, a blow up doll who bites back-”

“Shut up.”

“Am I just one of the guys? Am I just Tommy with a cunt? You fucked a few of the girls I was interested in so maybe I am; that seems to be your modus fucking operandi.” Lip curling, she watches the anger build in him, doesn’t even flinch when he tosses a beer bottle at the door. “Maybe I should thank you for never sticking a phone in my pussy and asking me to call my mother -  _yeah,_ I know about that too.” 

“So what? So what if you know about the fucked up shit I’ve done? None of it even fucking matters; if I had feelings for you it  _wouldn’t fucking matter_. It’s not gonna change who you are, because you fill that hole burnt into your heart with sex from people who aren’t going to love you and complain all the while about being lonely when you even though  _you’re_ the one who let go of-” his mouth snaps shut, and he turns away like he can’t even look at her anymore.

“I want Tommy to be happy,” Lola says, voice barely audible, “and I want Vince to be happy, so I let them go, I had to I didn’t-” she pauses, swallowing thickly, “I want you to be happy too, but the way you are- you’re like me, and I don’t know how to make either of us happy-”

“You just assume everyone’s happier without you. Without even asking.”

“Well what was it Doc said? I’m easy to love but a bitch to actually like.” Lola laughed, but her heart wasn’t in it, the anger, the fight was quickly draining from the room. 

“You complain about being a backup, a second choice, but you’re not. Lola, you’re the  _only one_ who hasn’t left in seven fucking years. I don’t know why you decided to stay, and yeah, we’ve put each other through shit, but damn it if you think I don’t like you, you’re delusional. I wouldn’t keep you around if I didn’t like you, not for this long. I love you, Lo.”

Silence follows his words. it’s like they slipped out, like he didn’t mean them to, and Lola drops her gaze when he finally looks back at her. He’s known it for a while, tried to ignore it and push it to the side in favour of countless, nameless, fawning groupies. But she’s there, in the morning when the groupies leave, she’s still there, smiling and laughing, drinking and snorting with the rest of them, and he wraps an arm around her, sees her grin like she did when they were both still kids, and he wants to bottle the feeling that sparks inside his chest so he never forgets it.

“No you don’t; you’re smarter than that.” She said softly, breaking his contemplation like glass, “or you think I’m dumb enough to believe it,” when he hears her sniffle he realises why she can’t meet his gaze, “but don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere, either way, I guess.” She rubbed away the tears that were threatening to spill, and everything Nikki wants to say seems to be trapped in his chest.

And he lets her leave. 

The gig goes by in a blur, in a haze, and the noise of the crowd reverberates around his skull but he can’t hear any of it, can barely hear what he’s playing, barely cares. She’s not side of stage. She’s not back stage. She’s  _nowhere_.

Their conversation, their argument keeps replaying over and over in his mind, and all he knows is that she has to be  _somewhere_ , that she’s not going anywhere, but she’s not at the afterparty and he’s anxious like he hasn’t known himself to be before. She’s always just been  _there_  and when she’s missing he feels it like a physical ache.

“How- how’d- how did you know that you loved Roxy?” Nikki asks over the music, leaning on the bartop beside Tommy as the taller of the two ordered himself another drink. Tommy’s lips stretch into a grin and he claps Nikki on the back, grinning wide enough to split his face. After a beat, he leaned down and sunk his teeth into Nikki’s forearm.

“That’s for shitting on romance, dude,” Tommy said, matter-of-factly, “so you met someone?” He asked. Nikki made a noise in the back of his throat, rubbing at the fresh bite mark as Tommy took that as his cue to go ahead, “I don’t know man, I just- she’s just great, everything just great, just better when she’s around.” And he’s wearing that soft, dumb grin that he used to wear around Lola all the time, before he’d met Roxy, and something in Nikki’s chest tightened.

“And Lola?”

“What?”

“You loved Lola, didn’t you? We all sort of did, in our own way, us and Vince, right?” As he’s speaking, his gaze drifts, but Nikki can still see the way Tommy’s expression shifts to something knowing; if he wasn’t so emotionally turbulent he’d kick his own ass for looking so weak and desperate in front of Tommy.

“I-” Tommy paused, thanking the bartender as he was handed his drink, before thinking seriously for a moment, “actually, we’re not doing this here.” 

Tommy leads them through the crush of people, smiling and making friendly greetings, but not slowing down until he’d reached the glass doors leading outside. Bursting out into the cool night air, it seems to re-energise the drummer, but it just stings against Nikki’s exposed skin, and Tommy slows down, saunters his way over to the fenced-off pool area as he spoke. 

“You remember that shithole we used to live in?” He asked. There’s less people out here, less crowded, and Nikki can hear him clearly, even from a few feet away which was a contrast to inside. Nikki snorts out a laugh, nodding, “the first night I stayed there, I hadn’t even moved in I was just crashing after a gig at the Whiskey,” he flicks the latch of the pool fence and Nikki follows when he sits on one of the wicker sofas, “and man I don’t remember much about the actual night, but I wake up the next morning next to her, we didn’t fuck or anything, but she tells me I’d complained about how cold it was because you guys didn’t have heating, so she’d... she’d just stayed." Tommy’s sprawled out over the lounge, chair, looking up at the sky, wearing the barest smile. Something in the way he talks about her, the fondness, the soft amusement with the barest tint of nostalgia, it has Nikki fidgeting; every word Tommy speaks hits with an emotion that Nikki can’t describe but can inexplicably feel. He regrets not getting a drink before they came outside.

“She does a lot of that stuff; little stuff, it’s selfless,” Tommy’s still talking, his drink still mostly full, and Nikki snatches it, but the drummer doesn’t seem to mind, “which, you know when I think about it, it’s weird, she’s not someone I’d thought would be  _selfless_ but hey, it’s part of her charm, isn’t it? Sneaks up on ya.” He laughs a little, and Nikki watches as he comes down from his memories, from his own little world, “I mean she always probably thought I was some crazy, kid drummer, right?” Nikki did not sign up for how soft and forlorn Tommy had gotten, but part of him was glad. Something about the way he’d said that makes Nikki want to instinctually come to his defense; Lola had adored Tommy from the moment she’d met him, always admired his heart and his talent, but Nikki stays quiet. “She’s great, since day one she’s always been great...  _kind_ , you know?Yeah, I loved her, I think that moment back at the old place was when I clued in, but,” and he sounded a little unconvinced, “I’ve got Roxy now.” He paused, finally looking to Nikki with a half smirk, “why’d you ask?”

“Ask what?” Finally snapping out of where he was half listening to the drummer, half focused on finishing his drink, Nikki looks up.

“About Lola, and feelings and shit; it’s not like you.”

“Is that why you lead me out here? To have this sappy damn heart-to-heart?” Nikki asked, after downing the last of the drink, scowling and throwing the whole glass at the pavement, taking little pleasure in the way it shattered, glass and ice scattering everywhere.

“Actually yeah,” Tommy seemed unperturbed by the glass as he just kept giving Nikki an amused look, “plus I needed to hear it properly if it turned out she finally confessed to you; Vince owes me five-hundred-”

“Dude, no, I’m the one who-” he chokes for a moment, can’t even say it out loud, “screwed up.”

“ _Fuck_ ,” Tommy groaned, throwing his head back against the lounge, before sitting up straight, “wait, what do you mean?”

Nikki’s face twisted into a mask of frustration. The conversation had gone on long enough, he’d acted like enough of a sap, he’d gotten the answer he’d asked for, though he’s pretty sure it’s not the one he wanted. Without giving Tommy an answer, he stands abruptly. Tommy calls after him, even follows, but Nikki loses him in the crowd.

Then he’s alone in the sea of people, a crowd who loves him, who’d give their right arm for him to say hi, and he can barely look at them. He doesn’t know where she is, or even where she could be, but he knows he can’t stay here. For the barest moment he considers getting another drink, but he knows he couldn’t stomach it, not now.

He doesn’t get an answer when he knocks on her hotel room door. He hears the television playing behind it, can hear it get turned up when he announces himself, but no footsteps. 

He considers, again, getting another drink, but his heart’s not in it. He’s still riding the high from before the show, and whatever was in Tommy’s drink, and he figures he can just crash and deal with whatever comes tomorrow.

The leathers he was wearing get tossed into the corner of the room, and for the first time in a long time, he can appreciate how nice his room is, it’s the first time on tour he’s pretty sure, that he hasn’t been absolutely shitfaced before falling asleep. 

Three rooms down is the woman who might very well be one of the biggest mistakes of his life, and he can’t sleep because of it. He doesn’t do attachments, not like this, not in the way that leaves him fucked up, he’s  _not_ some hopeless romantic that pines after the one that got away, especially since she’s still very much here.

The stupidest part, he tells himself, is that he should have said something  _months, years_ ago at the very least. He’d been feeling shit for her since they’d first moved to LA together, but he’d been too selfish, too in love with the rockstar lifestyle, too easily distracted -

There comes a knock at the door.

In pyjamas, an oversized tour shirt that probably belonged to Tommy, judging by the length of it, and a pair of shorts that were once his, it’s Lola. 

“Where’d you go?” He asks, he’s not sure if it’s meant to come out accusatory or worried, but it’s soft. She walks in past him, despite how he’s taking up most of the doorframe. 

“Had to clear my head.” It’s barely audible, and she’s so prim and proper where she sits herself on the edge of the bed. Taking a deep breath, Nikki tries not to let his feelings betray him as he moves to lay on the bed, on top of the duvet, looking up at the ceiling.

“What do you want?” He asks, gentle, tired. 

“Seven years,” she starts, legs crossed on the bed, refusing to look at him, “I didn’t-” breath catching in her throat, she sniffles quietly, “it was us against the world, wasn’t it?" Finally, she turns, lips pressed together and tears welling in her eyes. “I’m an idiot; I’m an idiot, I know, but I can’t let go of that, I can’t-” the words catch in her throat, and her whole expression crumples, and she turns away, burying her face in her hands, apologies spilling from her lips.

“Lo,” Nikki’s so quiet as he says her name, sitting up, heart in his throat; for all the time he’s known her, he’s never seen her break down like this. 

“I’m so sorry, this is so stupid,” she’s muttering, between sobs, “I’m so stupid.” Nikki’s never been good at emotions like this, it’s all he can do to gently pet her back. Finally, Lola turns, still with her head bowed, face in her hands.

“Everything’s changing, everyone I love is  _leaving_ ; Nikki,  _I can’t lose you too_.” 

Body on autopilot, Nikki pulls her into a hug, his lips pressed into her hair. Slowly, she wraps her arms around him too, lets herself be pulled into his lap.

“You won’t,” he tells her.

“That’s what scares me. I’m so bad at this-  _we’re_ so bad at this, but I,” and she sniffles again, voice a little hoarse, surprisingly angry, “it’s been so long since I’ve even considered my life without you, because I didn’t  _have_ to, you’re just always  _there_ , and it’s  _dumb_ and  _stupid_ and  _sappy-”_ getting choked up, she curls in on herself, just a little, taking a deep breath. 

But then she’s looking at him, and he can see the tear tracks shining on her cheeks even with just the starlight shining in through the window. Eyes wide, she looks like she wants to say something, to ask something, but her gaze flicks to Nikki’s lips and she thinks better of it. 

When she kisses him it’s hungry and desperate, her hands in his hair, his arms around her pulling her closer, desperate for the contact, between them. It’s like he knows without speaking what she wants; the proof that this is happening, that this- that he’s- real, and in this moment with her.

“Did-” her words get caught on a gasp as he bites gently at her throat before he sucks a dark hickey into her skin; he doesn’t let up, he wants the mark to show, and she squirms and whimpers, “did you mean it?” She finally gasps out, but he doesn’t look up just moves down to leave another mark closer to her collar. “When you said you loved me?” She clarified, biting her lip hard, bringing her hand to scrub the tear tracks from her cheeks. Nikki’s lips lifted from her skin for a moment. His lips quirked into a smirk as he moved them both, Lola laying back on the bed as Nikki hovered over her.

“You and me against the world, right?”

Lola’s softly concerned expression melted away at that, and she reached up, tucking some of his hair behind his ear. There was relief in her eyes, relief and adoration that set Nikki’s heart beating in a way that he knew he could get addicted to.

“I love you too.” Her voice was a soft murmur, and she brought his lips down to meet hers, her fingers laced through his hair. Then he’s got a hand sliding up beneath her shirt, nails grazing against her stomach, and he delights in the way she shivers, the feeling of her grin against his lips.

It takes only moments for her to be out of her shirt, her nipple in his mouth, and he’s never been great at talking about how he feels but the words tumble easily from Lola’s lips as his hand dips below the waistband of her shorts. 

“ _I love you_ ,”  It’s elated, breathy, almost as if she hadn’t even realised that the words had slipped out. “Sorry,” she follows with in the next breath, and Nikki can’t help but scowl, biting her nipple a little harder than necessary before he leans back, rests his chin on her chest, “I never-” he doesn’t tease her, not now, just slides his finger into her pussy, curls it inside of her as she speaks; it’s an old game for them, but one that makes Lola smile just a little as she shifts her hips, “I don’t want to scare you off- I know you.”

“I like hearing it,” it’s a moment of surprising honesty, though tonight is full of surprises. He adds a second finger, and Lola lets her eye flutter closed. His fingers keep a steady rhythm, hand cramped awkwardly as his thumb circled her clit. “Go on,” he urged, and she’s quick to comply.

“I love you.” 

As he presses kisses down her chest, along her stomach, he stops only to bite gently or leave softer hickeys before he reaches her shorts. He doesn’t think about how it makes his heart beat against his ribs to hear it from someone who means it, who means something to him; she’s said it a million times, but never like this, not really to him. She’ll say it around others, to Vince or Tommy or even Mick when she’s feeling especially affectionate, but never to Nikki, not really. It’s a line they’d both been too scared to cross.

But then he’s pulling off her shorts and pressing his lips to her pussy, fingers still working inside of her; the way she flutters and clenches on his fingers alone is wearing thin on his self control. He finger fucks her in a steady rhythm as he peppers kisses along the stretch marks on her inner thighs.

“Don’t- don’t tease,” she’s trying to keep still with his free hand holding her hip down, but as he bites at her thigh, she manages to giggle through a moan, and the sound alone is driving him crazy. In a moment, he has one of her legs over his shoulder, his hand nudging her other thigh out of the way, and she moves easily, humming with approval. The last of his self control is spent with his lips on her clit, teeth gently grazing on the bundle of nerves. He’s lost in the moment, in the feeling of her, how slick she is, her hands in his hair as his tongue flicks at her clit while he presses hard against her g-spot, he barely registers how she’s whining his name.

“Please- Nikki, please-” she’s tugging gently on his hair now, trying to bring his head up, “please, I need you- I love you- Nikki, I-” but he crashes his lips to hers, but she kisses soft and desperate, eager to please where she’s grazing her nails along his sides at the waistband of his underwear.

“Of course,” he mutters, bites at her ear, at her jaw, and though she whimpers when he takes his fingers from her, he’s quick to place them into her waiting mouth, licking her own juice from his digits as he sat back, pulling his underwear off with his free hand. She bites his fingers a little with a cheeky smile as she watches him struggling with the his underwear.

“Shut it,” he rolls his eyes good naturedly at her amusement, and she lays back, relaxing, enjoying the view as he takes back his hand and pulls off his underwear, tossing it to the side.

“I never said anything,” Lola counters with, sitting up a little to meet him, hands tugging at the hem of his shirt. Obligingly, he pulls it off, over his head, and almost immediately Lola’s on her knees trailing kisses across his chest as her hand finds his cock. He’s already hard, precum beading at the tip, and her feather light touches are teasing more than they are helping him in any way.

“Don’t tease,” he parrots her own words back at her, laying her back down, though she moves obligingly.

“You sure?” And the way she licks her lips is  _unholy_. It’s so different from where they were not ten minutes ago, but neither are complaining. He kisses those lips, pulling a pillow from beside Lola’s head to put beneath her hips.

“Hey Lo,” and the way he’s grinning, his eyes shining, Lola frowns a little, not sure what she’s expecting him to say, “‘love you.” He murmured in her ear, pressing a kiss to her cheek as he lined himself up at her entrance, sinking into her in one swift motion. She was already wet enough that it was easy, but the way she gasps, the soft, needy moan that’s pulled from her throat, it’s unlike anything he’s heard from her before. 

She’s...  _blushing_. Actually  _blushing_.

Wearing a smile that’s so fond and soft that it’s impossibly endearing, Nikki doesn’t have to wonder why this time feels different from all the times they’d slept together. She beckons him to her, kisses him as he holds her hip with one hand, bracing himself against the bed.

And then she’s digging her nails into his back, her teeth in his shoulder to quiet where she’s whimpering and begging for him to go harder. Nikki sits up, his cock still deep inside her, and he’s gentle as he lifts her legs her knees pressed up to her chest. The angle, the way his cock hits when he starts to thrust, it has her eyes closing as her mouth hangs open, eliciting involuntary whimpers.

“Oh,  _please, fuck-”_ she chokes out, one hand fisting in the sheets the other coming to cover her mouth. His grip on her thighs tightens and she bites her hand hard to cover out a groan that stuttered from her, her pussy slick, clenching around him in the way that means she’s getting close.

“Already?” Nikki snickers, pressing a teasing kiss to her calf as he slows down.

“Almost, almost,” she whimpers, unashamed, hands coming to grasp at his hips, “ _please-”_

He moves slow, moves gentle, fucks her like she’s made of porcelain, with a thumb rubbing at her clit as he slowly pumps in and out of her. She’s not like this with most people, Nikki knows enough about her sex life to know this, to feel a sense of pride with how she lets herself be soft and unapologetic and needy with him, almost malleable. It’s trust. It’s trust and love. 

He brings her to the edge, but stops just before she can go over; for a moment she grumbles, but then he’s moving them, shifting to lay back and pull her on top of him. Like this, she’s in control, takes a moment to look at him through half lidded, lust clouded eyes. Leaning in, her voice is almost dreamy when she tells him he looks bare, and then her lips are on his neck, slow and teasing as she shifts her hips back and forth almost lazily.

He’s got several dark bruises along his collar and chest before he’s squirming and impatient, seemingly regretting the shift in dynamic, but Lola seems ready to pick up the pace. She shifts her hips, rolls in a rhythm that Nikki finds easy to match, and she’s got her hands braced on his chest. 

With his hands on her hip, his hips meeting hers, it’s got her close, got her arching her back each time it hits, curses and prayers falling from her lips amid her gasps and moans and  _there there there-_ and he’s playing with her clit until she comes undone on top of him, her thighs sore from the movement, breathing hard, grinning and flushed, but she only pauses for a moment.

“Come on, Niks,” she grins, still shaking a little, but not giving up, hips still keeping up their pace, and Nikki groans, the feeling of her coming around him bringing him so close. She keeps up her rhythm, reaches back and drags her nails along his thighs like she knows he likes, murmuring encouragement to him before he’s groaning, holding her close, coming deep inside of her. She presses languid kisses against  the column of his throat as he’s breathing hard against her neck. He bites her shoulder gently before kissing it, a thanks, soft and unspoken. 

Lola climbs off of him, heads to the bathroom, brings back a towel and tissues for Nikki to clean himself off with. It’s with a sleepy, spent smile that he does so, tugs at the duvet once he’s done so he can get comfortable. Lola crawls into bed beside him, under the covers.

“You won’t regret this, will you?” She asks, gently, her head resting on his chest.

“I never do.”

“I love you.” She tells him tentatively, though she seems at least a little less worried.

“I love you too, Lola.” He reassures.


End file.
